Dear History Channel, Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
Dear History Channel,
It was during one of those magical summers of the 1990s that I first laid eyes on you. During commercials for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Home Improvement in the then Tivo-less world, I would find myself wandering towards you. Sure, you didn't have the luscious DD's of HBO or the nice legs of Mtv, or even the tight little ass of NBC (they didn't call it 'Must See TV' for nothing...), but when you put on a little makeup you were a nice package on the whole. And unlike those other stations, you were smart....sharp as a tack. We had some great conversations, unlike that floozy Mtv who left me with little besides Beavis & Butt-head and that strain of herpes called Singled Out. And so I began to fall for you like I've never fallen for a television station before.
We had so many great conversations, that I was able to cope with the occasional repetitive conversation about, say, World War II. Sure I got tired occasionally of the grainy footage from Normandy, but you offered me Tales of the Gun...and nothing was better during a commercial break of Walker, Texas Ranger. Or maybe I'd come home at 3am, very possibly slightly inebriated, and you'd be there, waiting to fuck me with a compelling episode of History's Mysteries.
And unlike many relationships, ours continued to grow and improve with time. Soon I would be in college, and you offered more than just the old standbys.....The Presidents, The Revolution, holiday re-runs of Band of Brothers, your programming became better. I was beginning to think that the conversation would never die and that you would never grow old and gray, but forever stay as beautiful as the day we first met.
I now know however, that for this relationship to continue, you're going to have to make some serious changes. I'm simply not happy with the direction this relationship has taken the past few years, and I think it's you that is ruining it. Sure Modern Marvels has always been a beating, but that's why I had other channels on the side, and when you gave me Wild West Tech I thought we could really make this work. But then you brought me Dogfights. Sure, re-creating Medieval battles with the Rome: Total War engine was cool, and probably cheaper than hiring SCA actors, but re-creating aerial battles? Did you really think that was a good idea? I probably should have dumped you then, but we had such a great history...I thought you deserved the benefit of the doubt.
And then, like a bomb the likes of which the earth has never seen, you decided to try and sell me Ice Road Truckers. I know you were jealous of me and Discovery's little trist, Deadliest Catch, but I told you at the time that you could never do what Discovery did, and you said it was ok. Then you had to try, and I gave you a couple episodes.....and it was terrible. And the doubt in my mind grew. And then last year you tried again, this time with Ax Men. Ax Men? Seriously? Did you really think we wanted to watch men that could be a dead ringer for Tad Doyle cutting down trees? This was worse than any of the UFO Files crap you'd tried to pawn off on me in the past.
HBO, still with that great perky rack so many years later, is offering me John Adams and you're expecting me to give you the benefit of the doubt and watch Ax Men? I'm sorry, I've just been feeling neglected by you....as though you're after a younger and apparently much dumber man. And if you are that's ok, we can move on, it can even be amicable, but you've got to be honest with me. You can't promise me the world with new programming like Surviving History, and then when I actually watch it it turns out to be a rip-off of Mythbusters without the cute brunette. Don't think I've forgotten that you once actually fulfilled your promises.
Don't try to blame this on me, it's not me, it's you. for all these years I've been there for you, and I've been nothing but supportive. I happily overlooked your previous poor decisions and continued to support you because I thought in the end, you'd make the right ones....it's sad, but I no longer feel that way. Cities of the Underworld was disappointing, Digging For The Truth was a terrible idea (did you really think we wanted a sexually ambiguous Indiana Jones?), and while Man, Moment, Machine had promise....it became so redundant.
It wasn't just Surviving History, that was just the decision that broke the proverbial camel's back. And so it's with great sorrow, that I tell you it's over. I'm sorry, it's just over. Maybe you'll change and in the future we can try again, and I'm sure there will be a few drunken hook-ups in the future, but as a couple.....I'm sorry....it's just over.
PS - You weren't just paranoid, I've been cheating on you with both Discovery and ESPN for years now.